Shame is a feeling of worthlessness. It is a feeling of brokenness and defectiveness. “I made a mistake” becomes “I am a mistake.” It makes one feel separated from the human race. It is hidden under anger, sadness, depression, or addiction(s). It is a feeling of being exposed as helpless.

A shame-based person feels guilty for their very existence. This makes them unable to make decisions and get their own needs met. They protect their own family of origin and are unable to protect themselves. They must identify with others, are unable to stand alone, enjoy being alone, or be interdependent. They greatly fear abandonment – it is at the core of their being. Having been so abandoned and neglected for so long they no longer trust anyone.

The cumulative effect of is to paralyze, imprison, and degrade. Through continued physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse a person’s identity is destroyed and they are afraid to be themselves (whoever that is). They will now seek to control themselves and be available to be controlled.

Shame is at the foundation of every compulsive, self-defeating behavior. It is at the root of all addictions. It drives behavior as an attempt to cover up the hidden core of shame. Feelings need to be kept secret, as do thoughts and behaviors of their families and themselves. A great deal of energy is expended in the effort to hide shame. A shame-based person lives in the constant fear that they will become emotionally naked in front of others. Although they may appear relaxed and in control, underneath they are terrified, angry, lonely, and ashamed. They believe that if they expose their true feelings, they will be shamed by those who see them.

Shame manifests itself in addictions. The addiction can be for alcohol, drugs, food, sex, television, work, shopping, exercise, relationships, gambling, adrenaline, and control, for example. The addiction serves to temporarily relive anxiety, stress, feelings of powerlessness, avoid true feelings, problems and intimacy. Addictions are unhealthy mechanisms that keep one from feeling their true feelings. The deeper the pain inside the more it pervades every aspect of their lives and the more the need to numb the pain through addiction. The pain is strong and frightening and many times takes more than one addiction to deny and hide the pain.

Over the years of hiding their true selves they no longer know who they really are. They become two people - the exterior one and interior one. Beneath the surface lies the fear of abandonment, guilt, shame, and identity and intimacy problems. Above the surface we see the symptoms manifested in various addictions.

Shame causes a loss of identity. Since the belief is that there is something wrong with who they are they look to others to tell them what they believe, what they like and don’t like, their politics, career choices, what to do with their free time, etc. Growing up they were not allowed to truly be individuals – to feel their own feelings, think their own thoughts, believe in their own creation. This creates identity shame. Since they were not allowed to be who they are, there must be something wrong with them.

Shame produces physical symptoms. The feelings they try so desperately to hide and deny come out anyway in physical manifestations. One might get headaches, stomach pains, work themselves to exhaustion, and develop hypertension. They may experience unexplained anxiety. Their bodies react even when they don’t allow their emotions to.

Shame can manifest as perfectionism. Perfectionism is an attempt to gain the love and nurture that is so desperately wanted but never received. Since shame says that there is something wrong with me then if I can be perfect in every way then I can be loved. Perfectionism does not allow one to be human, fail, make even small mistakes. It enslaves, causes one to feel confirmed in their negative and shameful assessment of themselves, and causes constant disappointment in their performance.

Shame passes generationally like a genetic trait. It is caused by family secrets passed down parent to child, parent to child. Fear of abandonment lies beneath the shame. Patterns of emotional denial go back many generations. In dysfunctional families legitimate needs for security, love, nurturance, and guidance are not met or met inconsistently. Children are taught not to tell the family secret, talk about their feelings, show affection, be angry, confront anyone, disagree, show vulnerability, admit fear, or ask for help as they drown. They learn that they must meet certain standards to be accepted, that they must meet the approval of others, that they are unworthy of love and caring as they are, and that life is as it is and there is nothing they can do about it.

After such a childhood, one enters adulthood without a sense of security and trust. There is an emptiness inside and it is that seeking to fill those empty parts and unmet needs that leads to addictive lifestyles. There is a feeling that there is something terribly wrong with them which is the feeling that their parents owned and passed to them. The pain is more than they can consciously bear.

Left untreated, shame-based individuals marry those with many of the same dysfunctional traits of their family of origin. After years of learning the rules of the dysfunctional family they are ready to go out into the world and start a dysfunctional family of their own. They find a relationship that complements their own misbeliefs and shame.

Shame is learned through repeated episodes of abuse, accusation and blaming, judging and criticizing, withholding, and denial. Abuse plays a major role in shame formation. Abuse may take the form of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. It may be neglect, vicarious abuse, being subject to perfectionism, rigid beliefs, the “no talk rule,” triangulation, and double messages. These families have an inability to play, a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, and possibly enmeshment.

Through abuse, radical misbeliefs take hold in the minds of those abused. They become foundational beliefs about who they are, relationships, and the world. Abuse victims talk to themselves in the language of shame. It defines their existence and relationships. It is a language learned in their first human interactions – abusive ones – and the language that continues with them into adulthood.

Shame-based individuals learn to deny, ignore and escape their feelings. The result is that they can’t identify their feelings and wouldn’t know how to express them if they could. They go about daily life hoping life will be better, having little resources to make it better, and acting out the pain with physical symptoms and addictions.

Life is serious. Walking around with deep wounds makes it difficult, if not impossible to play and have fun. Besides to relax might mean that some of the shame of who they are might be made manifest to others and that thought is terrifying.

Now as shame-based adults they feel:

• - A distrust of spontaneity
• - A loss of enthusiasm
• - A prepared, on-guard state
• - An uncertainty about how they are coming across
• - A concern that something is wrong with them
• - An inclination to soul-searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong.
• - A loss of self-confidence
• - A growing self-doubt
• - An internalized critical voice
• - A concern that they aren’t happy and ought to be
• - An anxiety or fear of being crazy
• - A sense that time is passing and they’re missing something
• - A desire not to be the way they are
• - A hesitancy to accept their perceptions
• - A reluctance to come to conclusions
• - A desire to escape or run away
• - A belief that what they do best may be what they do worst
• - A tendency to live in the future – “everything will be great when/after…”
• - A distrust of relationships

These add up to an exhausting, debilitating, self-defeating, and self-perpetuating shame. The same pain that paralyzed can now cause one to act on their own behalf. When the pain can no longer be tolerated it will motivate one to find an answer and find relief. At first there will be ignorance of the deep cause of pain that has been so carefully hidden and denied and one will only see the symptoms.

They won’t seek help until the pain becomes unbearable. Like a cancer growing at one’s core, the cause of the shame must be found and removed. The symptoms must be taken seriously. Getting to the secret and letting it come out without shame is a key to recovery. The truth lies in a totally different interpretation of those experiences that formed their shame. The truth is that the shame was never theirs to own.

Recovery depends upon becoming aware of the pain that has been kept buried so long. Upon recognition of pain and a determination to alleviate it, one can move toward learning the cause of the symptoms. Insight is gained and a willingness to see oneself, one’s history, one’s relationships, and circumstances begins. After recognizing old patterns that arose to deal with abuse and pain, one must relearn new and healthy was of relating. At first acting in a new way will seem contrived and abnormal. As one learns and develops strengths, skills, and resources then change will truly take place. A new image will be gained and need to be maintained.

“To be in touch with God’s truth is to be in touch with reality, and to live in accord with that reality makes for a better life (Cloud, Townsend, Boundaries)(Ps. 119:2, 45).” As they learn the truth and trust God, He will reveal the past causes of their shame and open their eyes to the lies they learned that wreak such havoc in their lives today. As they pray, He will bring new, truthful meanings and new self-talk to replace old misbeliefs. He will require courageous truthfulness to see and deal with the distortions and pain and their responses to them. He will restore peace as He untwists the branches of pain entwined in their lives. Because of who He is and who they are in Him they can learn new truths to tell themselves.

I am a worthwhile person. “A healthy self-concept is the recognition of one’s value and worth: the understanding that as a unique human being, one has certain gifts and abilities unlike anyone else, and can contribute to the world in a special way.” God gave us a sense of purpose. That purpose is not to live up to the standards of others. It is not to seek to be accepted by adopting the values, ideas, opinions and behaviors others dictate to us. That purpose is to love God with the entirety of our being, grow to look like His Son, obey His commands, and glorify Him forever. He gives us our worth, it is not in the power of another to decide it for us.

For those who believe, Scripture tells us that we are children of God and that we belong to Him (John 1:12; 1 Peter 2:9). Our physical parents may have abused, devalued, and shamed us but our heavenly Father will never do so. Knowing that one is chosen by God (Ep. 1:4) is a truth that can dispel the belief of worthlessness. Knowing that nothing can separate one from the love of God (Rom. 8:35-39) is a truth that can alleviate the fear of abandonment and rejection.

I deserve to be treated with respect. God has blessed us with every spiritual blessing, chosen us, declared us holy and blameless, adopted us, redeemed us, forgiven us, made known to us the mystery of His will, and sealed us in the body of Christ by the Holy Spirit. We deserve respect because we are made in the image of God and because of what He has done for us. God’s love and valuing of us is unconditional (2 Cor 5:16-17; Rom 10:17; Col 3:17; Mt. 25:37-40; Is 40:1,2; 2 Co 1:3-5).

I can use my power to take good care of myself. If Christ so valued my life that He chose to become human and die for my benefit then I can also do what is in my power to care for myself. We have been bought with the price of the blood of Christ. We belong to Him and taking care of ourselves is one way that we can bring Him honor. Caring for oneself will encompass physical, mental, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and relational issues.

I can make changes in my life if I want to. Changes start with finding the underlying identity and intimacy formation issues. This will be accomplished by going deep inside, looking at one’s past and family of origin, and identifying the issues of guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment that have issued from them. Identifying is the first step but an essential step.

I have power over my own life. Uncovering and admitting our denial systems takes time. It is a process that must be done slowly and thoroughly. The system was built for a reason that no longer exists. It was a survival mechanism for a powerless child in an overwhelming family. It served a legitimate purpose at that time. It has since become a powerful trap. We had the power to build this self-protective systems and therefore have the power to take them down. Without recognition nothing will change. With recognition and determination, and most likely some outside assistance, anything is possible.

I deserve to make my own life safe and happy. Learn to protect yourself by establishing boundaries. “You do not have to stay stuck in the helplessness you learned at home. You can learn new patterns of relating and functioning; this is the essence of the personal power God wants you to have.”

I do not have to take abuse or mistreatment. “The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves…Taking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.” No one must put up with abuse or mistreatment. This is not what the Lord was speaking of when He talked of turning the other cheek. We are not called to be doormats for Christ. Allowing oneself to be abused is dishonoring to God.

I can say no to what I do not like or want. Owning your own identity means being one’s own person who is able to maintain a clear and separate identity from others while still recognizing the need for help and support from others in healthy rather that destructive ways. A shame-based person will need to learn how to be in a relationship without losing their identity. Lose of self in intimacy is dependency not intimacy. In learning to state personal preferences one learns to own oneself.

I can count on my own creativity and resourcefulness. First, inventory false guilt and authentic guilt and give back that guilt that does not belong to you and ask for forgiveness for that which does. Next, develop your talents with dedication and discipline, taking them seriously as the gifts they are. Set up clear boundaries in relationships to guard your gifts. Insist on reciprocity – equal power, need, influence, dependency, independence, interdependence, separateness, strength, courage, dignity, self-respect etc.

I can trust my own feelings and perceptions. As children they were taught not to show their feelings. Anger, sadness, fear, hurt must all be buried. They learned not only to deny their feelings but to deny who they are, what they feel, and the reality surrounding them. Outside they maintain a good looking front but inside they’re dying. Recovery then means that those long buried feelings must be allowed to surface and be dealt with.

I deserve freedom from mental anguish. It is essential that they allow themselves to feel the loneliness, hurt, sadness, fear, anger, and resentment so that they can deal with them. It will have to feel much worse before it can every feel better. But they need to tune into their feelings; their are symptoms. Identifying the symptoms helps to identify the cure. Persistent feelings need to be expressed. Feelings should be aired with respect and dealt with before they become resentments.

I am not alone; I can ask others for help. Dysfunction feeds on dysfunction. Sharing problems only within the dysfunctional systems will only feed the sickness. Healthy friends, counselors, etc. are essential to seeing the truth. Also they will need a diversity of friends so that they don’t become too dependent on any one person.

I am worth working for and changing for. People most always change as a result of relationship. They alone can make the changes but in a supportive environment those changes need not be so terribly hard. Healthy friends will treat one as a separate person, with dignity and respect, allow one to have their individuality, and acknowledge and validate their feelings. There will be warmth, respect, open communication, and mutual consideration.

I am not to blame for being abused. The pain of admitting that our parents were not capable of loving us in a healthy manner hurts more than believing that there is something bad in us undeserving of love. But it is that realization that will help in the recovery process. Gaining awareness is a major task. Learning the truth about those who abused us and facing the emotional pain of growing up in a dysfunctional family is a difficult yet necessary part of the process. An examined life reveals the “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” messages learned as a child.

I am an important human being. They need to learn to listen to their feelings, and physical symptoms. They need to admit that they are scared, hurt, and lonely. And they need to find out who they are. In a dysfunctional family a child’s identity development is arrested. They grow up to be wounded children wearing adult clothes. God designed each of us specifically. God has a plan and a purpose for each life. They need to learn to break old rules and learn new ones. They need to learn to question their emotions, thoughts, and actions. They need to learn to own their own feelings, attitudes and beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, and desires. They are all part of an important human being.

I can decide for myself what is best for me. Who are you now, where do you want to go? Believe that you are entitled to your own thoughts, dreams, and wants. Care for yourself, recognize your strengths, and give yourself permission to have fun. Determine your needs and make plans to meet them yourself, taking action every day. Build structure into your days to feel more secure. Claim your heart as your own property and guard it.

There can be an end to the cycle. Just as families can become more dysfunctional through many generations, families can also become more healthy. The essential ingredient is truth. The truth sets us free, sets our children free. The truth frees us from the lies of abuse, from the bondage of shame, and the terror of exposure.

The truth is that those born of God are not condemned regardless of what they have been brought up to believe (Ro. 8:1). They are at peace with the greatest authority figure through Jesus Christ (Ro. 5:1). They have been rescued from the dominion of darkness and brought into the kingdom of God’s Son (Col. 1:13). There is no need to live in further bondage. They have been forgiven for their sinful responses and continued dysfunction and they can learn to let go of them (Col. 2:13-14). They are free to stand without blame, without shame before God and He wants and desires them to do so (Ep. 2:18, 3:12).

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